March 7, 2005/2006

I have been away from my usual routine blogging for a while. Some of you noticed, others assumed it is just the way blogging goes. I remember another blogger telling me that older guys like me who are just discovering ourselves are like adolescents. That is so true. I was on a roll, having fun with no real attachments beyond some very close friends. Enjoying a few physical pleasures with no real commitment. Letting guys know that LTR was not in my plans. Well, the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.

March 7th was the one year anniversary of the death of someone who was very close to me. My life changed dramatically in 2005, because for the first time in 53 years, I truly felt alone and adrift. Then I happened onto gay novels, began meeting some novelists (go pre-order COVENANT by Rashid Darden, if you haven't already). From there it was meeting people, going to my first gay clubs, bars, dialoguing with some really good guys, and keeping my spirit/heart protected against getting to involved with anyone.

That is until March 7, 2006. Then I met J. He worked in an establishment that I frequented near my home, and I had seen him off and on for several months there. On this day, I placed myself in a position where I could at least talk to him. No plans other than a quick conversation. That conversation led to a meeting at my place that very night. He let me know that he was leaving the country at the end of March to return to his ex- with whom he felt a spiritual bond. That was cool with me.

But then the unexpected happened. I started caring more than he or I could afford. The die was cast and there was no changing of hisplans. I should have stepped away, but for some reason, I couldn't. We spent as much time together and he could afford and I could get from him. I think now that 'long term' or 'short term' is irrelevant, and that what is more important is the word 'relationship.' We had that indeed. I began to dread the approach of his departure date. I had never been in a male/male relationship beyond a few hours, and this was so totally new to me.
Well, what is worse is that we agreed to have a farewell time together on last Monday night. I rushed home to get ready for what I knew was our final date. He didn't answer his phone when I called at the agreed upon time. I fell asleep, woke up, went to his apt., but got no answer. The place was dark and looked as though he had moved out early. No good bye. Just gone.

So here I am. Older and wiser with an incredible experience. I knew from day one that it was limited to 3 weeks. I just didn't expect it to end the way that it did, but no one ever does. I have read and heard about the experiences of others who went through the same thing. I know I am not the first nor will I be the last. But, the end of innocence and adolescence has come.

Shem hotep.