Well, fate has a way of preparing you for things to come. I recently had dinner with a new friend, Maxim, who in passing conversation mentioned a relationship that he ended after being hit by his partner. I was stunned. In less than 30 days, I had gone from reading about gay domestic abuse to sitting across the table from a real live person who experienced it. Although, I let the moment pass, I called him later and asked if we could follow up on his remark and he agreed. (I tell his story with his permission). I will only summarize that conversation here. His partner, BigGuy, grew jealous of Maxim’s relationship to other people. As a kind-hearted person, Maxim does little things to help make his friends’ lives easier and has many friends.. As a result, he is well liked by a number of people. BigGuy, however, was a suspicious and jealous partner. On one occasion, BigGuy found the phone number of one of Maxim’s acquaintances in his wallet. They argued, Maxim was asked to remove his things from Big uy’s space. It didn’t matter that BigGuy was the only man in Maxim’s life and that he loved him. Jealousy, poor self-esteem and the need to confine and control Maxim created a highly volatile situation. Then when Maxim went to the house to remove his things, BigGuy backed him into a closet, blocking his escape and then hit and kicked him. After the assault stopped, BigGuy kept him in the closet for more than 30 minutes afraid to let him go. Then came the usual ploy of abusers who try to make the victim believe that they were pushed to that point by the victims actions but it won’t happen again. It is the well-known cop out of physical abusers like BigGuy that it is somehow the victims fault, and that the physical violence shows how deeply he loved Maxim. Fortunately, Maxim got out of this situation and relationship but the damage is done. Some folks are not as lucky.
I am sure that some of you have stories as bad or worse than this. Like I said earlier, this is eye popping to me. If you click on the title of this article, it will take you to a web site with reading on Domestic Violence in Gay Couples. I am also starting a "Domestic Violence in Gay Relationships" poll on Keith Boykins’ bulletin board on this topic. If you are or have been a victim or seen abuse in gay relationships, let’s blog about it. It should not be swept under the rug. If you are a victim or abuser, let’s talk about it.
Maxim introduced me to Tandy who has an even more horrific story. With his permission I will tell you how he was the victim of continuous abuse and was nearly killed in the process. To be continued in Part II. Shem hotep!
There’s no one I entirely trust,
there’s nowhere to go
It’s as if I’m trapped in some crazy freak show.
I no longer care to decipher what this is about
All I want is a license to Get The Hell Out.
--Excerpt from "Faceless People"