And The Beat Goes On.

Ok. I know I haven't really blogged about anything exciting in a while, but that's the way life is for us baby boomers. Not a whole lot happens that is exciting in any way. So, for what little bit is going on, here are my recommendations:

1. If you haven't seen Tyler Perry's production (up close and in person), go see it if it is in your area. My ex and I went last week to see it and I laughed until my jaws hurt. This show was Medea Goes to Jail and it was one hilarious show. At times, even Perry gets to laughing at himself as Medea and has to catch his breath. On the serious side, Tyler is a gifted actor and a great humanitarian. He is donating $1 million to his hometown of New Orleans for Katrina relief.

2. This weekend I am going to see "Men Cry In the Dark" being performed at Raleigh Memorial Auditorium. I will blog about it after the show. Stay tuned.

3. Y'all know by now that I am an absolute fan of my frat, Rashid Darden. If you haven't read Lazarus, then what are you waiting on? You won' t be disappointed. Help a brother out, here. This is his first novel and there is more to come.

4. Then read Down For Whatever by Frederick Smith. I did, and I am glad I did. Not only that, I had the opportunity and pleasure of meeting Fred in ATL during Pride (I still have a high from Atlanta Pride and can't wait for next year). Fred is down to earth, and I am hoping to get my alma mater to sponsor him for a book reading/signing in the near future.

5. Coming up, Maxim and I are going to see "Wicked" in NYC during the Veterans Day weekend. No4real4real told me about this play during our meeting in CT this summer, and since I am a Broadway junkie, I began making plans to get back to NYC and see it. Now is the time.

6. Speaking of No4real4real, he has been having some difficulties of late. Stop by his blog and show some love. He is one cool dude who will not let stumbling blocks get in his way. As he says on occasion, "He stomps with the big dogs." Holla at him.

7. Another blogger whom I consider to be really sharp on many issues is Kenneth Winfrey. He is self-employed (so give him some business), but if you keep up with Keith Boykin's website, Kenneth is a frequent (and eloquent) poster. Agree or disagree, you cannot take away from the intellectual prowess of this brother. Just look for the long responses to identify his observations (I am sure he will respond to this comment - "wink"). He also posts on Keith's blog and has started several interesting threads.

Ok. This got longer than I intended, but this is the word for now. Shem hotep.

The Bridge Builder

To those who are struggling or have struggled to articulate the cause of justice for L/G/B/T/Q men/women, I commend this poem (and especially to Keith Boykin - thanks for all that you do):

The Bridge Builder

An old man, going a lone highway,

Came at the evening, cold and gray,

To chasm, vast and deep and wide,

Through which was flowing a sullen tide.

The old man crossed in the twilight dim;

The sullen stream had no fears for him;

But he turned when safe on the other side

And built a bridge to span the tide.
"Old man," said a fellow pilgrim near,

"You are wasting strength with building here;

Your journey will end with the ending day;

You never again must pass this way;

You have crossed the chasm, deep and wide --

Why build you the bridge at the eventide?"
The builder lifted his old gray head:

"Good friend, in the path I have come," he said,

"There followeth after me today

A youth whose feet must pass this way.

This chasm that has been naught to me

To that fair-haired youth may a pit-fall be,

He, too, must cross in the twilight dim;

Good friend, I am building the bridge for him."

by Will Allen Dromgoole

Rosa Parks (1913-2005)

(Click on title to read more)

Romeo and Romeo Get Equal Treatment in Kansas

(Kansas Justice Marla Luckert should be nominated to the U.S. Supreme Court instead of Harriet Miers, IMHO)

Kansas high court rejects harsher treatment of gay sex

TOPEKA, Kan. (AP) — Kansas cannot punish illegal underage sex more severely if it involves homosexual conduct, the state's highest court ruled unanimously Friday in a case watched by national groups on both sides of the gay rights debate.

The Supreme Court said in a unanimous ruling that a law that specified such harsher treatment and led to a 17-year prison sentence for an 18-year-old defendant "suggests animus toward teenagers who engage in homosexual sex."

"Moral disapproval of a group cannot be a legitimate state interest," said Justice Marla Luckert, writing for the high court.

The defendant, Matthew R. Limon, has been behind bars since he was convicted in 2000 of performing a sex act on a 14-year-old boy. Had one of them been a girl, the state's "Romeo and Juliet" law would have dictated a maximum sentence of 15 months.

The court said Limon should be resentenced within 30 days as if the law treated illegal gay sex and illegal straight sex the same, and it struck language from the law that resulted in the different treatment.

"We are very happy that Matthew will soon be getting out of prison. We are sorry there is no way to make up for the extra four years he spent in prison simply because he is gay," said Limon's attorney James Esseks, of the American Civil Liberties Union's Gay and Lesbian Rights Project.

National health groups and the National Association of Social workers had filed legal arguments supporting Limon's position. A conservative law group, Orlando-based Liberty Counsel, helped prepare written arguments from 25 legislators in support of the law.

Limon and the other boy, identified only as M.A.R., lived at a group home for the developmentally disabled. In court, an official described M.A.R. as mildly mentally retarded and Limon as functioning at a slightly higher level but not as an 18-year-old.

Limon's attorneys described the relationship with the younger boy as consensual and suggested that they were adolescents experimenting with sex.

Attorney General Phill Kline's office has described Limon as a predator, noting that he already has two similar offenses on his criminal record. Kline contended that such a behavior pattern warranted a tough sentence and that courts should leave sentencing policy to the Legislature.
His office had no immediate comment on the ruling.

Kansas law prohibits any sexual activity involving a person under 16, regardless of the context. The 1999 "Romeo and Juliet" law specifies short prison sentences or probation for sexual activity when an offender is under 19 and the age difference between participants is less than four years — but only for opposite-sex encounters.

A lower court had said the state could justify the harsher punishment as protecting children's traditional development, fighting disease or strengthening traditional values. Friday's ruline said the Kansas law was too broad to meet those goals.

"The statute inflicts immediate, continuing and real injuries that outrun and belie any legitimate justification that may be claimed for it," Luckert wrote.

The Speech That Didn't Happen (But Is Loud and Clear)

(Keith Boykin was denied the promised opportunity to deliver the following speech at the Millions More March. I am reproducing it on this blog, as are other bloggers, so the contribution of the Same Gender Loving community is amplified and proclaimed. This is in no way intended to take away from Cleo Manago's speech, but rather to add to it.) Shem hotep


Remarks Prepared for Delivery at The Millions More March Saturday, October 15, 2005By Keith Boykin

Good Afternoon. Today I am honored to stand here at the Millions More Movement March as a representative of the National Black Justice Coalition, the country’s only national civil rights organization for Black lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgendered people. The National Black Justice Coalition strongly supports the goals of the Millions More Movement for unity and inclusion of our entire community.

In February of this year, Minister Farrakhan and I participated in Tavis Smiley’s annual “State of The Black Union” event in Atlanta. During a press conference that day, Minister Farrakhan announced that women and gays would be encouraged to participate in today’s March. “The makeup will be our people, whoever we are,” he said. Then he added, “Male, female, gay, straight, light, dark, rich, poor, ignorant, wise. We are family. We will be coming together to discuss family business.”

After the press conference, I spoke to the Minister and I introduced myself. “Minister Farrakhan,” I said, while shaking his hand, “My name is Keith Boykin, and I am a Black gay man. And I want to thank you for your inclusive comments about gays in the Million Man March.” Without missing a beat, Minister Farrakhan responded to me with a long, warm embrace. “Brother, I love you,” he said as we hugged. “We are all part of the family. We are all part of the same community.” That was an historic moment.

Ten years ago, I joined more than a million of my brothers on this very location for the Million Man March. At that time, there were no openly gay, lesbian or bisexual speakers at that March. This time, however, I am able to speak here today as an openly gay man because of the courageous leadership of one man – Minister Louis Farrakhan. I publicly and honestly thank him and salute him for the invitation to speak. The diversity of speakers assembled here today is a powerful signal that we in the Black community will not allow ourselves to be divided by differences of opinion, religion, gender, class or sexual orientation ever again.

As Minister Farrakhan himself said in August, “we must not allow painful utterances of the past or present, based on sincere belief, or based on our ignorance, or based on our ideology or philosophy to cripple a movement that deserves and needs all of us—and, when I say all, I mean all of us.”

Earlier this week, two of my colleagues and I sat with Minister Farrakhan, his wife, his daughter, and his son, and with Rev. Willie Wilson, the executive director of this March. Minister Farrakhan said it was the first time he had ever sat down with a group of openly gay and lesbian African Americans. Let me be honest. It was an intense, passionate and candid meeting where both sides shared their pain and frustration with the other. At the end of the discussion, however, we made progress. We realized that there are no “both sides” of the table. There is only one side, and that is the side of justice.

So today I accept the olive branch offered by Minister Farrakhan and Rev. Wilson and offer an olive branch of my own. We acknowledge the hurt and pain that has been caused by both sides in our past conflicts, and we fully commit ourselves to heal the deep wounds that have hurt us. Thank you, Minster Farrakhan and Rev. Wilson for the love.

We have disagreed in the past and we may disagree in the future, but we all agree that we must move forward together. We all agree that we will not allow ourselves to be manipulated by the media to create divisions among us. We all agree that we are stronger together than we are apart. And we all agree that the struggle for the liberation of our people is more important than our individual differences of opinion.

Fifty years ago, Ralph Ellison wrote, "I am an invisible man. . . I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. . . . When they approach me they see only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imagination -- indeed, everything and anything except me." Ralph Ellison was talking about the invisibility of the African American, but the same could be said of Black gays and lesbians.

When Dr. King spoke at the 1963 Civil Rights March, he called on one person, Bayard Rustin, a Black gay man, to organize that march. When Duke Ellington performed “Take The ‘A’ Train,” he called on one person, Billy Strayhorn, a Black gay man to serve as his composer. And when Black actors and directors put on performances of “A Raisin In The Sun,” they call on one person, Lorraine Hansberry, a Black bisexual playwright, to serve as their muse.
Black culture as we know it today would not exist without the words of James Baldwin, the poetry of Audre Lorde, or the choreography of Alvin Ailey. That is why I am here today – to honor their legacy.

But I am also here to honor the living heroes and sheroes of today. My good friend Phill Wilson likes to say that our people cannot love us if they do not know us. So I want you to know who we are. I want you to know the activist Angela Davis, the Pulitzer Prize-winning Author Alice Walker, the Grammy-nominated recording artist Me'Shell Ndege'Ocello, Editor-at-Large and former executive editor for ESSENCE magazine Linda Villarosa, and the former Adviser to New York Mayor David Dinkins, Dr. Marjorie Hilll.

And I want you to know the living male heroes. Men like New York City Council Member Phillip Reed, Former Mayor of Cambridge Ken Reeves, Mayor of Palm Springs Ron Oden, Bestselling Author E. Lynn Harris, and Harvard University Chaplain Rev. Peter Gomes.
And finally, I want you to know that we are your brothers and sons and fathers. We are your sisters and daughters and mothers. And we are your cousins and nieces and nephews as well. We cannot separate ourselves from the larger Black family because we are an integral part of the Black family. We raise our families, we send money to our nephews, and yes we sing in the choir as well.

The issues that affect Black gays and lesbians are issues that affect all Black people. Last year I sat in the living room of a young mother who had lost her child to violence in Newark, New Jersey. Her 15-year-old daughter, Sakia Gunn, was murdered because the killer thought she was gay. When black homosexuals and bisexuals are murdered, black heterosexual family members still have to bury their kin. What happens to Black gays and lesbians directly affects black straight people as well.

HIV and AIDS is the leading cause of death for young Black people, gay or straight. Forty-five million Americans do not have health insurance, and too many of this group are Black, gay or straight. Unemployment is still too high among Black people, gay or straight. We are all connected.

When Black people were forced to sit in the back of the bus, Black gay people were forced to sit in the back of the bus. When Black people could not vote, Black lesbians could not vote. And when Black people are beaten and abused by the police, Black bisexuals are beaten and abused by the police.

We share the same goals and aspirations as the rest of the Black community, but none of us can accomplish those goals without unity and courage. We all need courage in our lives. It took courage for you to come here today. It took courage for Minister Farrakhan to invite me to speak today. And it will take courage to heal the wounds that have divided us for far too long.
In the timeless words of Audre Lorde, "When I dare to be powerful – to use my strength in the service of my vision – then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid." So I say to you today: Be strong, be proud, be courageous.

Without Coffee, watch out

That day was one of those days that didn't get off to a good start. I got out of bed late, didn't have time to go to they gym before going to work, and worse yet, didn't get my first cup of coffee before having to talk to anyone. The last is particularly bad news for folks because I am not even trying to be civil without caffeine in my system. I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON! I NEED COFFEE!!

Anyway, one of my staff (LaShandra) and her supervisor were waiting at my office door. LaShandra is upset that I talked to one of HER clients without consulting her first. Keep in mind that LaShandra reports indirectly to me and I have responsibility for ALL of the clients. Plus, the need to talk to the client arose after LaShandra had taken her azz home early on Friday afternoon.

My good friend Rashid often quotes a portion of the movie "Kill Bill" in situations like this that perfectly describes what happened next. Here is Lucy Liu's lines:

O-Ren Ishii: As your leader, I encourage you from time to time, but always in a respectful manner, to question my logic. If you're unconvinced a particular plan of action I've chosen is the wisest, tell me so. But allow me to convince you. And I promise you, right here and now, no subject will ever be taboo. Except the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up ___________as a negative is: I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here. Now if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, NOW'S THE FUCKING TIME! I didn't think so.

LaShandra stormed out of my office with tears and snot flying. I assumed she would go straight to my bosses office to complain about my cruel treatment which is just what she did. Well, guess what... the boss hadn't had his caffeine yet either. LaShandra got her head collected twice in 5 minutes time!

Black Men Need New Model of Masculinity

A new model of black masculinity is needed, one that prizes "softer" virtues of nurturing and negotiation and renounces misogyny and homophobia, says Duke University professor Mark Anthony Neal in his new book, "New Black Man."
Neal, a self-described "hip-hop intellectual" and "male feminist," is a scholar of popular culture. "New Black Man" is his fourth sole-author book.
"It's really trying to redefine the contours specifically of black masculinity, but really more broadly of masculinity in general in this country," Neal said in an interview. "I think the issue that complicates it for black men is racism and race in general."

A paradigm of the "strong black man" began to develop in the last century as a counter to prevailing stereotypes of black men as irresponsible or dangerous. It has emphasized family provision and defense of children and women -- all good and necessary, Neal says.
"I think there is this kind of stereotype, that if black men aren't this model of strength and vitality and hardness, then their masculinity is suspect," Neal said.

But, as enunciated during the civil-rights movement by Eldridge Cleaver in his influential autobiography "Soul on Ice," it also can carry side effects of homophobia, evident in Cleaver's disparagement of gay black author James Baldwin.

"Homophobia is seen as an issue that most affects gay folks," Neal said. "If gay folks don't speak out about it, there's never a conversation when it occurs," he said. "I'd like to think that homophobia is another attack on black humanity," he said. (Read more....)

Standing in the Gap with MY Frat Brother, Rashid Darden

This crap was emailed to my frat brother, Rashid Darden, who wrote about it on his web site. I am adding my two cents on this site as well. Here is what the asshole wrote to Rashid, and my comments to the writer follow:

"Let me start off by telling you, I'm glad you're a young positive brother doing your thing. Congrats and I wish you much success. My only concern is you using the image and the colors of Alpha Phi Alpha to market yourself. How are the two interconnected? There is already a stereotype of Alphas being gay, and obviously your work is perpetuating it. You didn't start it, I'm not postulating that you did, I just don't get why you don't use your talent and not have to "lean on the letters" to sell books. Is it marketing, do you think it brings you more fans, more controversy? I'm an Alpha, a raving, raging heterosexual and I'm sickened when people equate Alpha with gays. Our legacy is one of strong powerful black men, exceptional men, and we are being defamed. To each his own, I don't necessarily agree with homosexuality but, I don't think anybody can tell another person who they can or should love, but, this is ridiculous. Using the fraternity colors, using the colors in your pen name? Old gold and your novels are about homosexuals? This is out of pocket brother and I wonder if Tandy, Kelly, or any of the founders would approve of your violation of the crest. You can chuck this in your hate mail box, but, hate it is not. Be blessed brother and I hope you realize what you're doing."

First of all, Rashid is a talented, inspiring author who is going places with his writings without having to lean on Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc., or any of his other affiliations. Instead, we need brothers like him to help lift our fraternity (and any other fraternity) out of the pit of ignorance and homophobia that is so truly disgusting. BROTHER Darden embodies our motto in everyway that was intended with the founding and history of OUR beloved fraternity. His "manly deeds" are exemplified in the daily role modeling that he does in his job; his "scholarship" is evidenced in his writings in undergraduate school, graduate school and his career (his knowledge of the history of black, greek fraternities shines in Lazarus - which you ought to read); and his love for "ALL mankind" is demonstrated by his involvement with greeks, with blacks, with gays, with undergrads, with bloggers, and even with fools like you whom he takes valuable time to write a response.

You dishonor the founders by attempting to divine their thoughts. Nevertheless, let's play your game for a moment. The founders were in an unfriendly environment that refused to acknowledge their existence in a fair and equitable way. Early 20th century colleges were exclusive rather than inclusive, homogeneous rather than diverse, and antagonistic to those who were different rather than nurturing. Given these conditions, the founders created an organization that supports rather than isolates, that includes people who differ from the majority rather than excludes them, that TRANSCENDS ALL!! The ideals of the founders have been distorted by your selfish, parochial, homophobic ideas of manhood imposed on not only A Phi A, but on other black greek fraternities that were founded to lift men up rather than to subjugate any of us. Yes, you would like for us to quietly stay in the closet, but guess what? It ain't happening anymore. Keith Boykin and Jasmyne Cannick wrote about black, homophobic preachers recently. Strong black, gay men and women will not be relegated to quiet invisible seats in America or in the black community. We are here, we have always been here, we helped build the black churches, banks, stores, neighborhoods, fraternities, sororities and schools. Get over it.

As you can tell from my blog name, I am Alpha and proudly so. I don't want anyone to make any mistake about the choice I made exactly 30 years ago. I was gay in 1975, I am gay in 2005, and I will be gay in 2025. I wear the Black and Gold when I want and where I want because I earned that right when "I crossed the burning sands." Now just who the hell gives you the right to criticize a brother who's bringing positive energy and LIGHT to your narrow, darkened view of greekdom. The fall season seems to be the favorite time of year for black, gay frat haters to emerge. Oddly, Rashid dealt with this same garbage last fall.

So let me sum this up for you. There are black, gay preachers, teachers, lawyers, doctors, nurses, Ques, Kappas, Sigmas, Iotas, bus drivers, rescue workers, fire fighters, hip hop artists, actors, salesmen, professors, cooks, housekeepers, professional football, basketball and tennis players, soldiers, newsmen, car salesmen, AUTHORS and thankfully MEN of the HOUSE OF ALPHA making significant contributions to this whack community. Now wake the hell up!

If you are going to question Rashid's logic, it should always be in a respectful manner (*wink* back, frat). My comment box is on. Bring it on. Shem hotep and '06!

NCPride Weekend in the Triangle

There will be a final part IV entry on Domestic Violence soon. It is in production. Meanwhile, this past weekend was my first opportunity to see NC Pride in Durham, NC up close. Although there were several events planned, I watched the parade and hit the vendors on the east campus of Duke University. Perhaps I should have started with a lesser event like this first before moving on to Atlanta Pride. Atlanta set the bar extremely high and NCPride was a big disappointment.

So what can I say good about it? Well, I got a chance to watch the parade with Perkins (not Marlin but there are similarities) and his partner, Slim. Perkins and I have been exchanging emails and had the opportunity to meet for dinner last Thursday night (I might give up the tea later on that one). The interesting part of that was the conversation between them as to whether Slim would be wearing a dress to church on Sunday. Remember that I am still a newbie to these conversations even though I have seen guys in drag before but have never known anyone by name until Saturday.

Ok. Moving on, my boy Maxim (Domestic Violence Part I) was in town and after several calls we hooked up at Sirens Lounge that was also giving away free Mimosa drinks to parade watchers. When I walked up, he was with 3 other folks including a guy in full drag (ok, now I have talked to one planning his wardrobe and talked to another wearing his - in the same day). I'm cool with that. Like no4real4real, I'm "on my way." Maxim had to leave town for a few hours, but we talked about going to Legends Saturday night. For those of you who are not from the Triangle, Legends is one of the must do clubs. I decided not to go, though, since I still understand that there is that age difference between me and several of you clubbers - lol. As it turns out, Maxim didn't go either, so I am glad I decided to hang out with these really fabulously hot twins on Saturday night.

Sunday afternoon was a great time for Maxim and me to get together for a late afternoon lunch at Ruby Tuesdays (get the crabcakes if you go there) and to serve up several people we knew in common. We had such a good time together that since he needed a ride back to DC, I offered to take him halfway to meet Callis who took him the rest of the way home. By the way, I met Callis at Atlanta Pride. He is hot, from my part of NC, and we are in several of the same organizations.

We parted company about 10 pm, but I can honestly say that spending time with Maxim and seeing Callis again made for a great weekend for me. Was it good for you? hehehehe.
Shem hotep!

Domestic Abuse and Violence in Gay Relationships - The Words of a Victim (Part III)

I have had some poignant responses to this entry. This one, I think, most clearly tells the story in the words of a victim. With his permission, I am posting it for you.

"I was the victim of violence in a past relationship. However, at first, I dismissed it all as "a fight between guys," not "some one-sided story you hear on Oprah." I think many gay men do this, and seem to accept these fights as almost routine. Is it because we are raised to believe that we only can't hit girls? I had moved to Philadelphia with my ex. We had known each other for only about a year. Our relationship progressed quickly as we had only known each other for a few months when we moved in together. We had a lot in common. We were also raised in the same neighborhood, so he wasn't a total stranger. We seemed to be drawn to the same higher spiritual truths and liked the same music. We shared clothes. Since we had the same prescription, we even shared glasses and contact lenses! (Hey, we were young...what can I say?) He traveled a lot for work. Since it was his job (that I found for him) that took us to Philly, I was pretty bored the first few months. I was looking for work and trying to make new friends. Soon, I found myself strangely attracted to a friendly clique of Puerto Rican fellas in South Philly. They spoke English but I barely understood a word they said in Spanish. They actually looked like my family to me, and they always made me feel at home. It was all plutonic, and I just felt safe with them. I didn't know it until then, but my ex didn't like Puerto Ricans. He could be prejudiced that way. He also couldn't believe that I wasn't cheating on him with one (or more) of these beautiful men. I later realized that he was bitter about an unrequited love affair with a PR man he knew. It also seemed obvious that he thought that I was more attractive than he, and assumed that everyone liked me as much as he did. He made an even more dangerous leap and assumed that I would respond in kind, objectifying me to the level of "boy toy" with no ability to discriminate with whom I keep company. He didn't trust them, or me. One evening, a day or so after my ex had returned from a long business trip, I told him that there was a party in S. Philly, that I was going, and that he was specifically invited. I felt that it was important to my maintaining friendships with them when he was away so much. He didn't want to go. He didn't want me to either. So, when I headed for the door, he hit me from behind with a large piece of metal that scratched me from the top of my head to the middle of my back. Still unemployed in a new city, and over-inundated with flowers and apologies, I actually stayed. Less than a year went by and he had taken yet another of many long trips. He had gotten impatient with my not working (even though I exhausted my savings to move us there.) So, I was working a full-time job during the day and teaching classes in the evenings. This time, I had several classes scheduled, and we weren't going to be able celebrate our reunion like we had. Yet, he wanted me to cancel starting a class that had been scheduled precariously around the schedules of very very busy people (...desperate for the material, and with money!). On the way out the door, again, this time he took my glasses and crushed them in his hands. I taught the class with no glasses and a broken heart. I knew what I had to do though. I slept on the stoop of a friend's house that night in February because she was inexplicably away that night. I couldn't drive, after all. He found me, and I went back with him to get my things. When he realized I was planning to leave, he put me through a plaster wall and fractured a rib. I stayed with my friend for several days, then found a room for rent (having put all my money in our household), and eventually found an apartment and went on with a very interesting life in Philly. I sat on a springy mattress in my room for rent and found myself face to face with my situation. As much as I had seen this on talk shows and in movies, I never thought it would happen to me. I also said the same thing many have said here. Statements like "...it'll be the last thing he ever does." etc., rolled off my lips for years before I met him. Yet, being in love, and feeling that what we had that was good and so special, I talked myself into giving it another chance. The movie "What's Love Got to Do With It?" comes to mind because I too was too busy empathizing with him to realize that there was plenty of abuse between those fights. Feeling restricted; having interference in relationships outside the intimate one; being treated like a prized possession, rather than a man; and being made to feel that I wasn't carrying my weight in our lives were all subtle forms of abuse (especially when it was so untrue). I might also add that he was smaller than me. He was also the one that everyone called "sister-girl." He was clearly the feminine half of our relationship. So, it was true for me as well that the least expected party became the perpetrator. I agree that there was a sort of Napoleonic complex within him because of his aggressive disposition at times. Over the years, the fact that he had the same zodiac sign of an adult abuser from my own childhood made me think. This person was female (too... ), but she always made me feel like she needed me. My ex had painted himself the victim as well. They both took advantage of my empathy, but it is no surprise that I would have entered an abusive relationship in my adulthood after having suffered one as a child. Gay people especially endure tons of abuse and frequently get caught in patterns of with these kinds of relationships. I found my way out before it got to be a lifetime of it all. Yet, many do not. Even I am not sure if I'll ever really overcome the betrayal of having the person with whom I made love fracture bones and draw blood. I am not sure if I'll ever allow myself to be that "vulnerable" again."

I cannot add to this story. The words of the victim says it all. Interestingly, this article on the same topic by Dr. Kevin Wang was published in Pridesource on September 22, 2005. Very timely.

Shem hotep!

Domestic Abuse and Violence in Gay Relationships (Part II)

Abuse in relationships is any behavior or pattern of behavior used to coerce, dominate or isolate the other partner. It is the use of any form of power that is imposed by one partner over the other to maintain control within the relationship.

At 23 years old, Tandy’s life literally hung in the balance as he gazed fearfully in the eyes of his lover, his partner, and his benefactor who now held him suspended 71 stories above the ground. Only moments earlier, he had been sleeping next to this man who had alternately shown him love and passion mixed with jealousy and insecurity. How had he come to this frightening state of affairs? He was a recent college graduate from Historic University who had come out during his college years to a few friends. Along the way, he met Professional, a highly successful entrepreneur who offered him a glittering world of cars, access to money, a great apartment but most of all a committed relationship. In retrospect, Tandy realized there were early signs of trouble when Professional told him he would never hurt him physically, that it would be mentally if it came to that.

More signs of trouble began to appear in the relationship. Tandy’s whereabouts had to be explained, meals had to be prepared just right, and then the physical abuse followed. Since Tandy was not out to his family and was several thousand miles away from his home, he was left to the mercy of his on again/off again partner. Professional became more controlling and even used the fact that Tandy was not out to his family as a means of threatening and controlling him (the mental abuse). Professional would roll out the phone number and address of Tandy’s family to show that he had the power to expose him and hopefully ruin his family ties and further isolating him. Not only that, he threatened to reveal the details of their sexual relationship in a fashion that would surely destroy Tandy’s parent’s image of their son.

Meanwhile, Tandy continued to try to make the relationship work. His own personality was submerged under the torment of his abuser. Life alternated between passion and violence. Beatings and lovemaking, sexual domination and being thrown out of the apartment turned into Tandy’s full-blown nightmare. Tandy was forced from the apartment on occasion and all of his possession thrown out into the hallway by Professional. Then Professional would retrieve them, fold them as though nothing had occurred and look to Tandy for forgiveness and forgetfulness. A carefully prepared meal to show his love for Professional was thrown in the floor and would lead to a beat down.

But nothing compares to knowing that you are literally at the point of death because of the person you love so deeply. With his feet dangling in mid-air, Tandy was held over the balcony of the apartment they shared by Professional whose abusive nature had now reached a peak. What better way to exert control than to show that Tandy’s very life was in his hands? Tandy was experiencing the ultimate humiliating experience, while Professional was exercising the ultimate display of power over his victim. They reconciled that night only to have the physical abuse continue with Professional violently kicking Tandy while cornered in a closet (yes, just like Maxim in Part I).

Tandy became one of the lucky ones. Realizing the destructive relationship that he had with Professional, he decided to escape. In the middle of the night, Tandy put all of his possessions in his SUV and drove across country, back to his parent’s home. The phone calls from Professional have stopped coming now. Tandy is one of the most mature friends that the Fratman1906 has met. His eyes still moisten as he tells his story, and his life is changed forever. But he is stronger, and he is one of the lucky ones because he is alive to tell his story. Not only that, he uses his real life experiences to guide his younger brothers in "the life" in hopes they will not have to endure the same experiences as he. Moreover, he is in a loving, affirming relationship with Dr.P.

I had planned two entries on this topic, Maxim’s story and Tandy’s story. But wait; what happens when you must accompany your friend to the emergency room after a violent abuser has victimized him. Part III will tell the story from Friend. If you have a story, comment on it here or take the poll and talk about it on Keith Boykin's board. Pay close attention to the entry by KennethWinfrey on September 21. Want to know more on this topic? Just click the title of this entry. If you are a victim or a perpetrator, seek help.



Shem hotep!

Domestic Abuse and Violence in Gay Relationships (Part I)

I will admit up front that having spent much of my life engaged in taking care of assorted family members, that I have not been totally aware of many of the issues affecting my gay brothers and sisters. In many ways, the last several months have been eye opening for me as I have read novels by black,gay authors, met gay bloggers, fraternity brothers, and alums, dialogued with others in “the life,” and attended my first Pride in Hotlanta (I am still on cloud nine after the best Labor Day experience ever). One of the first novels that I read was “Passion Marks” by Lee Hayes. This was an emotionally difficult novel for me to read because I have such strong feelings about victims in our society, and the idea of domestic abuse and violence within gay relationships was cultural shock to me. The stories in the paper are more along the lines of gay victims of heterosexual attacks, but I can’t recall many articles about gay domestic abuse, especially those leading to death. Well, I finally made it through “Passion Marks” but with a sense of sadness and bewilderment that anyone could allow himself (or herself) to suffer physical abuse over a period time and not just simply walk out the door. To further cope with this novel, I reminded myself that this was fiction and did not want to think beyond that comfortable conclusion that allowed me to move forward.

Well, fate has a way of preparing you for things to come. I recently had dinner with a new friend, Maxim, who in passing conversation mentioned a relationship that he ended after being hit by his partner. I was stunned. In less than 30 days, I had gone from reading about gay domestic abuse to sitting across the table from a real live person who experienced it. Although, I let the moment pass, I called him later and asked if we could follow up on his remark and he agreed. (I tell his story with his permission). I will only summarize that conversation here. His partner, BigGuy, grew jealous of Maxim’s relationship to other people. As a kind-hearted person, Maxim does little things to help make his friends’ lives easier and has many friends.. As a result, he is well liked by a number of people. BigGuy, however, was a suspicious and jealous partner. On one occasion, BigGuy found the phone number of one of Maxim’s acquaintances in his wallet. They argued, Maxim was asked to remove his things from Big uy’s space. It didn’t matter that BigGuy was the only man in Maxim’s life and that he loved him. Jealousy, poor self-esteem and the need to confine and control Maxim created a highly volatile situation. Then when Maxim went to the house to remove his things, BigGuy backed him into a closet, blocking his escape and then hit and kicked him. After the assault stopped, BigGuy kept him in the closet for more than 30 minutes afraid to let him go. Then came the usual ploy of abusers who try to make the victim believe that they were pushed to that point by the victims actions but it won’t happen again. It is the well-known cop out of physical abusers like BigGuy that it is somehow the victims fault, and that the physical violence shows how deeply he loved Maxim. Fortunately, Maxim got out of this situation and relationship but the damage is done. Some folks are not as lucky.

I am sure that some of you have stories as bad or worse than this. Like I said earlier, this is eye popping to me. If you click on the title of this article, it will take you to a web site with reading on Domestic Violence in Gay Couples. I am also starting a "Domestic Violence in Gay Relationships" poll on Keith Boykins’ bulletin board on this topic. If you are or have been a victim or seen abuse in gay relationships, let’s blog about it. It should not be swept under the rug. If you are a victim or abuser, let’s talk about it.

Maxim introduced me to Tandy who has an even more horrific story. With his permission I will tell you how he was the victim of continuous abuse and was nearly killed in the process. To be continued in Part II. Shem hotep!

There’s no one I entirely trust,

there’s nowhere to go

It’s as if I’m trapped in some crazy freak show.

I no longer care to decipher what this is about

All I want is a license to Get The Hell Out.

--Excerpt from "Faceless People"

Ngo

If you didn't get to Atlanta Pride, all I can say is lawdy, lawdy. This sizzling, hot brother was personally autographing his calendar for a donation. I gladly donated and you can believe I will always know what day it is. Ngo was one of several "attractions" in the Marketplace and believe me, it was worth the shopping!! He also strolled the aisle for the fashion show. Check out malik m.l. williams entry on BrothaLove RantSpace (last photos). Shem hotep!

Darrell's Blog

Rather than cut/paste Darrell Diggins' predicament as a result of Hurricane Katrina, I encourage you to read it on his blog. Shem hotep!

Atlanta Black Pride 2005 (II)

The "Flava" men were the hottest items in the Marketplace. Not only did they take those shirts off (it was hot in the room - lol), but they autographed your copy of FlavaMen Magazine for you.













Of course Baby Boy was the hottest Flava man on the table. Yours truly got the signature and will not be selling it on Ebay (at least not right away).














If you haven't read "Down For Whatever" by Frederick Smith, then what are you waiting for. This novel is a must read for Blacks, Latinos, GLBTs, and anyone else who is in tune with our evolving relationships. The Fratman was getting his copy autographed.
















When two authors get together, great things can happen. Frederick Smith, author of "Down For Whatever," helps fellow author Rashid Darden, author of Lazarus, in the Marketplace.















Rashid Darden delivers an excerpt from Lazarus at the Literary Cafe















The kick off opening ceremony really got people on their feet and kicking up.















Brent Dorian Carpenter, author of the "21st Century Chronicles of Thugg the Barbarian King," and Frederick Smith take a few moments for a photo op for the Fratman.














Our lesbian sistas were right in there with inspiring works in the Literary Cafe.



















The authors in the Literary Cafe do the group photo for fans. There was a lot of talent concentrated in the group. Look for great sequels in LGBT literature that make a significant contribution to understanding LGBT lives, loves, tragedies, and triumphs.

Atlanta Black Pride 2005

I am in Atlanta and having a blast. Will blog about it when I get home. Here's a little "Flava" of what's to come. Shem hotep from Hotlanta!

Same Sex Marriage Rallies in Madrid

This past weekend, I met Alum for dinner. We have exchanged emails recently, but since he was back in the area of the University, this gave us an opportunity to have a face to face meeting. He is truly a cool young man and it is at his urging that I write this entry. I should have done it some time ago actually, but it is never too late. During the course course of conversation, broiled tilapia and reminescences about our experiences at University, I indicated that I was in Spain during the rallies for and against same sex marriage this summer (the Spanish Parliament passed the law permitted the marriages). This led to his idea that I should write about it on this blog. Alum also made a comment that will be the subject of another blog. Great minds really stimulate and play off of each other. There were two rallies in Madrid in June on the same day, one supporting same sex marriages and the other opposing them. As I googled to find articles to add to this blog about them, I am totally amazed at the volume of articles about the rally opposing same sex marriages and the lack of articles about the much bigger rally to support same sex marriages. Did all of the reporters go only where the Church wanted them to go and report? I took the subway from central Madrid to Plaza de Castilla where the pro-rally was taking place. The crush of folks on the subway was awesome but nothing compared to the jam packed bodies that spilled over in the Plaza and the surrounding neighborhoods blocking road traffic on major arteries and creating a far bigger mass of people than what one would see say in Times Square at New Years' eve. I mean the wall of people made it nearly impossible to move in any direction and estimates of more than a million people festooned in rainbow colored outfits, body paints, and banners understates the enormity of it all. Believe me when I tell you, there were chests and breasts, bikinis and weenies to satisfy anyone's craving and the crush of the mob brought it all up close and personal (whew it is hot in here). I won't go into details about the eye candy, but there was one whom I connected with (and he with me) that I could write poetry about. Anyway, just take my word for it, it was the kind of European experience that I am definitely going back to uh explore.

Contrast that rally with the much smaller anti- same sex rally in the area known as Sol near my hotel. I had to walk through part of this rally when I came back on the subway. I had no problem passing through the crowd. Their estimates of one million are usually downsized by the media to anywhere from 150,000 to 600,000. I think that includes inflatables. Yet, the news coverage and internet sites give this rally almost unlimited coverage and makes it appear that it was the only thing happening in Madrid before the enactment of the same sex law. Now come on people work with me here. If the greatest sentiment was anti same sex marriage, do you think the politicians even Spanish ones would have enacted this law? No, it looks like the people's voice carried the day in the Parliament even though the minority view has monopolized the media reports and created one-sided reporting. Now, that couldn't happen in America, could it? So, as your on-the-spot reporter (though decidedly late), let me report that the supporters of same sex marriage in Spain demonstrated a tremendous show of public support for enactment of legislation crucial to their pursuit of happiness, and that Fratman1906 was on the scene. Shem hotep! (Photos by yours truly).

Down For Whatever by Frederick Smith

This weekend I had the pleasure of reading the debut novel of Frederick Smith titled "Down For Whatever." I have had it since it became available and actually received it in late June from the bookseller. But that's not my point today. I can tell you unequivocably that if you have not read Down for Whatever then what are you waiting for? A personal invitation from Frederick Smith? (Well you can get that from him at the Outwrite Bookstore in ATL during Labor Day Weekend Pride).

Momentarily, let's set aside the gay theme that will inevitably form the plot of a novel in gay literature. That's a given, and we'll come back to that. In order to have a book that stands out from the rest, you got to have a hook. E. Lynn Harris did it by showing a non-effeminate gay character (my perception of Winston) evolving and discovering his true nature while in the very traditional worlds of Law School (Invisible Life) and corporatedom (Just As I Am). Now, there's the hook. His characters were not seedy characters sliding around in back alleys engaging in meaningless sexual encounters. They were college educated, professional, and engaging. That was a new hook.

Rashid Darden gave Adrian a hook in Lazarus by setting his character on a predominately white college campus, making him a campus activist, and having him pledge a well known symbol of black manhood - the sacrosanct black fraternity (clutch the pearls, what next? The pulpit? lol).

Now Frederick Smith sets his seminal work along a theme that sociologists and demographers are already pointing out to the discomfort of majority White America, that is the new emerging minority/majority is brown/black. So what happens when black and brown characters begin to explore their commonalities. Just what you will find in Down For Whatever. That racial stereotypes can be vastly different from the reality that comes from association and interaction. Frederick takes two Black single gay males and two Latino sgm, mix them together along with their friends, companions, families and significant others and produces a storyline that everyone ought to read as a blueprint for the present and future of black/brown relationships. Inevitably, his characters grow into a deeper understanding of each other just as Americans of all races and ethnicities must continue to understand each other and grow into respecting culture and sexuality.

Then finally, add back into the mix the ups and downs of living the gay life as a professional, as an individual who is one step away from homelessness, or as one who is on the "down low" whatever that may mean (sorry Keith). Frederick Smith helps each of his readers to see a little of themselves in each character as they progress toward finding a more fulfilling self-identity. Down For Whatever may at times seem like a Reality Show in print, but then again, the everyday, mundane lives of many of us are in fact Reality Shows, aren't they? Buy it, read it. Shem hotep!

BTW, I took this novel with me to the gym on 2 nights and both times exceeded my usual running and biking distance because the novel is so compelling. Thanks Frederick for making my body healthier with DFW ;-)

Reflections from the Sauna

There is nothing like a little heat in a sauna to clear the mind and help you to focus. Last week, I was dripping like an athlete (my family knowing how un-athletic I am would laugh at that) in the sauna at the gym and pondering how/why I came to writing a blog, reading gay literature, emailing guys in the life and anticipating going to my first Pride event. Here is what I learned about myself. My life has always revolved around family. In the last 2 years, I have lost 2 people who were close to me -MyOtherMom and Myson2. MyOtherMom was taken by cancer this year, and Myson2 by AIDS in 2003. Now these were two of the closest people to me in the world. MyOtherMom treated me like her own son, anticipated my needs, catered to me, spoiled me, you name it. She never asked why I didn't remarry, but I'm sure in her heart she knew but didn't judge, criticize or reject me. She was my rock after Momma died (also of cancer) and helped ease the pain of losing someone so close. But now, there is a big void. I find myself having to fill that void and I am doing so through new friends in a life that I should have been a part of years ago, but did not. This is not going to be a long entry. I will say to my new friends whom I have met through this blog - thanks for your emails, your IM's, your conversations, etc. Forgive me if I make mistakes as I am just learning the rules. I'll see you around.

Then They Came for Me

This entry should be read in conjunction with the announcement that follows from the National Black Justice Coalition. I hope it will set the tone for why you should come and participate.

Then They Came for Me
by
Stephen F. Rohde, Esq.

First they came for the Muslims, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Muslim.

Then they came to detain immigrants indefinitely solely upon the certification of the Attorney General, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't an immigrant.

Then they came to eavesdrop on suspects consulting with their attorneys, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a suspect.

Then they came to prosecute non-citizens before secret military commissions, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a non-citizen.

Then they came to enter homes and offices for unannounced "sneak and peek" searches, and I didn't speak up because I had nothing to hide.

Then they came to reinstate Cointelpro and resume the infiltration and surveillance of domestic religious and political groups, and I didn't speak up because I had stopped participating in any groups.

Then they came for anyone who objected to government policy because it aided the terrorists and gave ammunition to America's enemies, and I didn't speak up because...... I didn't speak up.

Then they came for me....... and by that time no one was left to speak up.